Friday, July 31, 2009


We finally have answers after waiting weeks on lab results on me. I have Factor V Leiden, PAI-1, and MTHFR which helps explain why I have had 2 miscarriages and why we lost Sullivan. They all have to do with a genetic clotting disorder. Although this answers A LOT of our questions and helps us with the WHY? of our situation, the pain is still there.
There is also the fear of another pregnancy. Although we can't start trying for another month and a half, we have appointments with specialists this month and next. This gives us time to talk about what we want and prepare ourselves with our options. At this point, we know as soon as we start trying to have a baby, I will have to be on blood thinner shots twice a day throughout the pregnancy and after. We also know I never be able to take birth control or hormones when I get older. OH! Darren liked this one. I really don't need to pick up smoking. That made us laugh since there is no chance of that EVER happening. We also know that when/if we do have another child, that will be it. Darren has always said two is enough but my heart has always wanted three.
I know God has his plan for us and that is getting easier to see. We both still have our bad days and will for a while BUT we are so blessed and thankful for such wonderful friends and family. Without a doubt, there is NO WAY we could have made it this far without everyone. God has really blessed us in that area! We are so thankful!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The way to treat a Mother who is grieving

Please Be Gentle

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask ‘why?’
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?
Don’t worry about making me cry.

By Jill B. Englar

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

One month today

One month today I gave birth to our precious little boy, Sullivan Phillip Purser, who is now with Jesus in heaven. Although we never got to hold him while he was alive, he is still very alive in our hearts and minds. I miss him tremendously. I miss him kicking me so hard it would take my breath away at times. My mama had already commented that maybe he would be our little punter one day. Poor thing b/c he would never be the size to be anything bigger on a football team. If you know me, you know size is not on my side. He was perfect and still perfect in heaven.

Sullivan, I miss you more and more each day. I know things will get easier as time goes on but my heart hurts so bad for you. You were going to be my little boy. Your sister is such a daddy's girl, I just knew you were going to be "a mama's boy." I was going to dress you so cute and have you match your sister. I was so looking forward to buying smocked outfits for the two of you to match. Your daddy didn't even say a word about the smocked outfits I had already bought for you being too "girly". Your sister will never get to boss you around which I am sure she would have been a pro at. You would have been the 3rd generation of the son being born second after a daughter and the daughter was the more dominant one. But that is okay. You also have a name that is so precious to our family. I think your Mimi has hurt more because you were named after her family. You were going to be her first grandson after 4 granddaughters. At one point she told me we didn't even have to name you because you were just our little boy. You also carry your daddy's name. You and Isabella carry mine and your daddy's middle names. We thought that was real neat and a special bond we would always have with the two of you.

Please know how much we love you and miss you. I must think about you a hundred times a day. Literally. I know God has a reason for why things happen the way they do. I am trying to trust in him with what happened and the plans he has for our future. We love you, Sullivan!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Our Sunday afternoon....

Today Darren, Isabella, and I went to Sullivan's grave for the first time. It will be a month Wednesday since we lost our little boy so we felt like we were ready to go. I had bought an angel to put out there since we haven't picked out a headstone and it will be a while before it comes in before we do order it.
Issue....ordering a headstone. When they showed us all the pictures of what was available, we didn't like any of them. I have got to call and see if we can order from another place or what. I have also got to call and see why there is not a temporary marker with his name on it at the grave. Our experience was so horrible with the cemetery folks I hate to even call them but things have got to be right. I want it done the right way and can't understand why in such a situation people won't do things the right way.
Until then Sullivan has a sweet angel at his grave and not one of those cheesy angels........a good one. As a matter of fact, I told Darren he had the best one out there!! We also put a little fish out there. Isabella and I picked it out at the Farmer's Market yesterday. It is blue with orange on it from his Daddy. If you know Darren he loves to fish and loves the color orange.
We also found a sweet card on Sullivan's grave when we got there from a mama who buried her son in April. She doesn't know us from the man on the moon but left a card saying she was praying for us. She said she goes out there a lot to visit and will visit our angel too. It was so sweet and touching to know someone we don't know is praying for us.
We also checked on Mama Maye, Papa, and Papaw's (3 of my grandparents) grave. They are right across the drive from Sullivan which is one of the reasons we picked where we did. Tomorrow I hope to get some answers from the cemetery folks. I pray it all goes well and I keep my cool! We had a good visit though and I am so glad we went especially as a family!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Today someone mentioned writing about what has happened to us might be good therapy. It helped her so it might be helpful for me. I had thought about it but just haven't been quite ready. Am I ready to write about what happended? Part of me is and part of me isn't. Today is a bad day. Real bad. If I were to leave work I guarantee you I would get in the bed and not get out. Why is today harder? I don't know. My mama said she thought it was the fact that Andrea with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep has finished our pictures of Sullivan. Just a few are online now and we should have the rest next week. Yea, that might be it but I just don't think that is it. It just seems like Fridays are harder. My mama also mentioned that it might just be becuase it is the end of the week and I am tireder. Who knows??!!!?!?!
One day I will write about it all. One day when I am ready. Until then pray for me. Our lives are forever changed.